It is April (and I am 20-something)
April is the hardest working month of the year, I think --
it faces and embraces every element of weather,
yet expected to prepare the earth for regrowth and balance.
The mantra even says "you will bring May flowers".
It is the month we want to lose, until we lose it;
she is April ~
a month so vast-in-weather, we can barely understand:
she can't breathe in the absence of daylight
her wind turns turbulent and confused,
hair immediately bunned & swiped northward
she breathes easy in a run of sun
her energy turning paced and beautiful,
feet eventually grounded & headed back west
April is a badass, assiduous as hell and far too kind to ever truly explain.
She recognizes that her weather will drive grief, loss, struggle and confusion:
trees will hesitate, plants will freeze, seeds will fear their push through the soil.
My April took a favorite backyard tree, a life and a friend.
Grief and loss show up fierce and everyone experiences it differently.
For me, I binge.
I binge silence,
I binge workouts,
and I binge a song....
twenty something by Nightly
When I say binge, I mean it.
It is the only song that holds space in my car to and from work
and the only song that plays in my headphones.
It is at hundreds-of-repeats and it is how I heal ~
a familiar rhythm maintains my pace when i am lost
the right beat reminds me to feel my heart
the volume increases when i need to cry
and softens when i have to face the world
more than anything, it assures me that i won't forget
(because that's what i am most afraid of)
the song becomes my roots.
grounded to this place and time,
and a reminder of all that is beautiful.
I don't suggest you close out April in the way I do,
nor grieve in the way I do.
But I do suggest that you grieve
and that you heal,
in the same way the world does.
April did her job, as challenging as it may have felt.
She left the earth forcefully, yet prepared for regrowth.
Trees will bud, flowers will grow and seeds will push through the soil.